my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone