if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes