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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond