When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
respect
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.