A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
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What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Mountain Goat : )
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain