I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Boating season is upon us.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence