[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.