Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Feels
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.