a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.