The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.