Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
“our sushi is very fresh”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy