Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
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My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did