I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Brilliant!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume