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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Mood.. 😂
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.