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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.