In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”