Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.