Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Brilliant!
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
as is their right
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!