Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
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meanwhile over on facebook
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes