What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
You Might Also Like
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The Onion called it…again.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
The news is so predictable nowadays
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.