I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
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5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life