Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.