People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”