Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.