You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The asteroid..
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.