(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?