[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
accurate
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)