I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel