Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
You Might Also Like
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
my mind
You just read my mind
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched