If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Real House Wines.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.