*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
😂😂
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat