I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.