Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle