Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]