Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭