me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through