I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.