what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
181.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.