KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?