[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Don’t we all.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Ha.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.