I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
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me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.