there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.