Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.