Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
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[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him