*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend