*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
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[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.