*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Teach your children to beatbox
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.