God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
favorite tropes as memes
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.