Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.