Me too, bag. Me too….
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I triple waxed for this?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
The internet is magic sometimes.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.